Birth Story

I'm amazed at how quickly 2 weeks have flown by since you entered this world and went straight to be with Jesus. Today has been a rough day for Daddy and I as we have contemplated your short time with us. I'm so thankful for God's perfect timing, the way He gently equipped us for your birthday with more knowledge than we were ready for. When we learned that my cervix had shortened, we had no idea we'd be meeting you in a matter of days. But I'm so thankful for those days, and all the conversations and processing that took place in them. We were much more prepared for your birth than we had been during the ultrasound.

Around lunch on Sunday, August 25th, I felt a random contraction and Daddy wanted to keep track so that he could tell if they were coming closer together. I thought he was silly, but went along with it. I had no thoughts of full labor happening. We had lunch with friends and didn't get home till 4pm. That's when I started noticing some back discomfort that wouldn't go away. It felt like gas, but I couldn't get it to leave, no matter how much I visited the bathroom or stretched.

By 9:30pm, Daddy was a little concerned and had me text our ER Nurse friend. She was also a little concerned and wanted me to call Labor and Delivery. They were also a little concerned and wanted me to come in. I was annoyed. You know me, thinking about how I wasn't going to get any sleep that night because we'd be at the hospital and how I would be cranky at work the next day.

The hospital was freezing! Poor Daddy. He was so cold. I had to ask the nurse for a blanket for myself and for him! We were there a little over an hour before the doctor finally had a chance to check me. We had been enjoying hearing your heartbeat, but watching with interest as it dropped whenever I had a contraction. He asked a bunch of questions about how labor was going and found my cervix on the ultrasound. He finally told us I was only dilated 0.5 cm, but that my cervix had rotated so it was in the right position. He didn't think there was any need for us to stay in the hospital overnight. I've had many friends be dilated at 2 cm for weeks so I shared his lack of concern.

We got home around 1am and went to bed. Daddy was able to sleep intermittently. Unfortunately for me, contractions continued and were getting stronger. Daddy says I was playing the violin with my knees; it was the only thing that seemed to help! Around 3am I started pacing. I couldn't lay down anymore because the contractions hurt too much. I had no idea what was to come though. Daddy started timing the contractions and we were realized they were coming every 2 minutes. Time to go!

Back at the hospital, Daddy wheeled me upstairs. Just as I was trying to transfer from the wheelchair to the bed, my water broke. What a feeling! Daddy says I was embarrassed because I put my head down on the bed. I would agree, but I also just needed the support of the bed!

Once I was in the bed, the nurse hooked up a monitor for your heartbeat again, but we let her know we didn't want it. Daddy heard you before she disconnected the machine. I just couldn't imagine going through labor and hearing you flatline. I wish I would've heard your heartbeat, or noticed it, but the pain was so distracting. I'm so thankful Daddy heard you in those quick moments.

I was offered an IV and drugs while we waited for an epidural. They tried morphine and something stronger. The nurse slowly pushed them through the IV, and they didn't touch the pain! Soon after the anesthesiologist arrived with the epidural. He did a great job of getting it in without more than a needle pinch of pain.

When the doctor checked me around 5am, I was dilated to 7cm. Maybe fast labor runs in the family? Once the epidural was in, I could focus again. I think I was still in shock that everything was happening. I hadn't expected you, at least not for some time yet, but apparently you were coming!

Shortly after 6am I remember feeling the urge to push. I was told not to, but I probably asked 3 more times. First time mom here, right?! The nurse finally told me to add more epidural if the pain was too much. They wanted you to come by yourself, for my body to work with you and do everything on it's own. I'm assuming this was to make it as easy as possible on you. At some point I remember feeling something come out of my body. The nurses and doctor were there and the doctor said those words that I wasn't ready for, "It looks like he isn't breathing."

I knew that was probable, and when I felt something happen without a sound, I wondered. Hearing those words - I didn't think I was ready. "7:09am." But then they wrapped you in a blanket and laid you on my chest. In that moment, you became the most beautiful, perfect baby I had ever seen.

Daddy and I just stared. Oddly enough, I don't remember feeling sad in that moment. I was enthralled by you. I stroked your cheek and your hair. Daddy and I laughed at how much hair you had. We carefully pulled back your blanket to see your beautiful face. There was no fear when we saw your double cleft lip. Your eyes were closed and you were so peaceful, so warm.

Daddy held you too, and I remember the way he looked at you. His eyes were filled with tears, and with so much love. You are so loved Jonathan. When he handed you back, he went to find our friends who were able to come that early in the morning. You got to meet Josiah, McKenna, and Rayah, Tim, Ryan, and Spencer and Elizabeth. I'm so glad we got to share you with them, and I'm saddened that you didn't get to meet everyone else. There are so many people who wanted to meet you, to know you, to share their love with you.

Spencer said it best in an email to us the next day. "Never had I felt such overwhelming joy like that holding a baby. {Spencer has younger brothers that he's been able to hold at birth.} Never. I looked down (I apologize for being blunt here) at his tiny body, double cleft pallet, thinking about his stomach and his lifelessness... and you guys I swear to you when I say this; he was the most perfect baby I had ever seen. He was perfection. And I couldn't get that out of my head, because that just doesn't make any logical sense. I couldn't get it out my head. I looked at him and all his physical imperfections, but he was the image of perfection to me. That's when it hit me; that is how Jesus sees us. We are spiritually lifeless, double cleft palleted, stillborns and yet through Christ we are redeemed and perfect. It was such a gift to see his physical flaws but to only register the purest and most perfect love looking at him. It was amazing guys. Your son was so beautiful."

We are so thankful, so blessed, that the nurses just let us hold you, cuddle you, for as long as we wanted. We had to hand you off around 10am because your omphalocele started leaking. They washed you, measured you, and returned you. I can't imagine not having those hours with you. My favorite part? Everyone had gone and it was just the three of us trying to get a little rest. I had you on my chest, cuddled in, and just snuggled with you while I closed my eyes.

We had been told that we could stay as long as we liked, but the doctors and nurses all understood that it would be best for us to grieve at home. They released us around 2:30pm. It took some time to get me cleaned up and ready to go. The nurse left us to say our final goodbye to you. We each held you one last time, giving you kisses for your aunts, uncles, and grandparents who would never get the chance to meet you. Daddy sang Jesus Loves Me to you. And then it was time. We walked out the door with everything we had come in with, leaving the most important piece of ourselves behind.

We miss you little man. 
Love always, Momma and Daddy.

Jonathan Alexander Miller

August 26th, 2013

1 lb, 6 oz, 12 inches long

7:09am

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